I have been feeling very weepy lately. I'm not proud of it, but I have been dwelling a lot on all the things I don't have. My van needs a new motor for the driver window, a new back wiper, and there's something wrong with our ABS. Likely a total of at least $1000 in repairs. My house feels small and cramped and outdated, but with me staying home with the kids we are in no position to move for possibly another year or more. Christmas is coming and it feels like I'm constantly spending money we don't have.
It has been a difficult year. Last January we made the decision to become a single-income household, because our eldest son was having many struggles in school and daycare, and I was feeling the stress and pressure of being a working mother and not spending enough time with my boys. Well let me tell you - there is no tougher job than being a stay at home mom. You never get a break. You never get sick time or vacation time. You are on call 24/7.
As the year progressed, we had many ups and downs with our eldest, as we struggled to find the right medication for his ADHD and struggled to simply *parent* him. In September, he entered Grade 1 and the meetings with the school started. After an adjustment to his meds in October, things have been a bit smoother and he is able to stay on task and get his work done in class. But there is still so much we are learning about him and his needs that it is often very overwhelming and leads to disagreements and strain between my husband and I.
This morning as I drove to deliver some toys for my home-business, the song "Do they know it's Christmas" by Band-Aid came on the radio. I have probably heard this song a thousand times. I started to cry, as I listened to the lyrics:
It's Christmas time, there's no need to be afraid
At Christmas time, we let in light and we banish shade
And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy
Throw your arms around the world at Christmas time
Some might think it's cheesy, but it's really not. For all the things I often feel are out of my reach or control, I have so much. I have a roof above me, and shelter from the cold. I have food in my fridge. I have healthy children. I have a husband whose love I have never doubted. I have parents whose love I have never doubted. My children have two sets of grandparents who love and spoil them with affection and cookies. Our extended families love and support us. Alex has a teacher who cares about him and puts in the effort to communicate with us and work with his needs. Alex is so smart and has a great sense of humour. I have Joey, who is my constant ray of sunshine even when I might feel like I'm drowning in rain.
This week I will put my focus on all of these things and save my worries for another time. I hope everyone who reads this can appreciate the things they have, as opposed to the 'have nots' as well, and have a wonderful Christmas.
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